Monday, 13 May 2013

Whiskey Reviews: Skyrim or how I learned to stop worrying and jump off a waterfall

Platform: PC/360/PS3
Release Date: 11 November 2011
Developer: Bethesda Game Studios
Publisher: Bethesda Softworks
Where to get it: Steam
Price: £14.99

I'm sure everyone and their dog has played Skyrim by now and so I'll skip telling everyone what the game's about and jump right into what makes Skyrim so appealing – the open world and the dynamic little stories it creates as if by magic (and sometimes with magic).

The first part of our tale begins at Whiterun stable. A dark Argonian dressed like a wardrobe explosion between 300 and The Dark Knight approaches the stall owner and casually buys a horse. This horse is me.
We hit the road immediately, I didn't even get to finish my carrot before he rode me over a rock and I dropped it. I think I yelled something like 'NEEEEIIIGH!' but I can't remember. We were going pretty fast to the west.
After a little while he left me outside some spooky looking door and a black pool. I had a chat with some goth weirdo in the pool then the master came back and we started out to the west again. I was beginning to suspect we were going to Markarth.
Hours later we got there, I hadn't had a single break along the way and had pissed down my own leg but the master seemed satisfied. That was until a couple of men with axes and daggers came running up the road behind us and tried to murder him.
I helped him beat one of them but the other was just too much, he jammed an axe in my head and everything went spinny and dark. Then that was the end of that.

I met the master as he was coming out of Markarth. Every guard in the city was chasing him and he looked like he was in a hurry so I valiantly wandered forth from my stall and he jumped up on my back.
We run like the wind, like hell itself followed behind us. One guard on the road was coming towards us but the master drew his dagger and gave him a haircut on the way past. The master is so kind, I don't know why the guards don't like him very much.
Down roads, over bridges, hills and streams we ran, always running until we found a little hut atop a hill overlooking the stream below. The master dismounted and had a poke around inside. He came back out looking pretty happy with himself and carrying some more gold and a gem. The master is so lucky.
We went down the hill at a gentle trot until we reached the bottom. The master let me run as fast as I could along the riverside until we found a little hut again. The master had a look inside but he only came out covered in red. I think he might have annoyed a tomato.
After a little while we went up a path from the river and crossed a bridge, it was a nice bridge with stones and everything. Even a little sign. The master seemed to like the sign too cause he stared at it for like a whole minute.
Down the road we came across some of those Forsworn guys, they used to own Markarth years ago but I think they sold it or gave it away or something. They don't like horses though so we run as quick as we could through their camp and away into the hills beside the river.
It didn't do much good though, they were everywhere and some were even waiting for us on the path the went up the valley wall on the other side of the river we needed to cross. The master had a plan though, good old master, always looking out for us horses.
So we jumped in the river and swam like a... well we swam anyway. That us until we got to the waterfall. Master stopped us there and we looked behind us, all those angry Forsworn were closing in pretty quick even though some seemed to have slipped and banged their heads.
It was looking pretty bad but we had a plan. Master told me that he'd once known a legendary horse by the name of Professor Sprinkles who could jump from any waterfall in the land and so, following in the legendary hoofprints of Professor Sprinkles we jumped.
For a moment I felt like an eagle, hundreds of feet in the air with a wall of white water behind us and the sun shining high ahead. We almost made it too but I think I did it wrong because we started to go down fast.
The breeze going down was refreshing at least and so was the water when we landed. It was so exciting I think I did a little poo.
Sadly I wasn't with the master much longer. No sooner had we gotten out of the river than a very angry man came running at us with a great big hammer. Master tried to steer me around him but I was too slow and the man hit me in the chest with the hammer really hard.
I knew straight away that I was going to Sovngard but with my last strength I flipped the master off my back and even as everything was going fuzzy I saw him sailing majestically through the air and I couldn't help but think of Professor Sprinkles. I thought; that's what they'll call him.
Turns out in Sovngard they just call him a twat. Every single horse in here got here because of some combination of the master and either waterfalls, hammers or pointy bits of metal. One guy even says a dragon roasted him but I think he's got a screw loose, everyone knows the dragons all died out hundreds of years ago. Duh.

8 dead horses out of 10 (plus 1 that swears he saw a dragon)

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